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I really don’t know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say.
It initially played like any other night really. Once again, I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened.
“Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!”
Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle, sitting upright at my feet.
“Hey boy, did you hear that?” I whispered instinctively. “Someone’s in the house.”
My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me.
“Don’t think so.”
I swore Parker spoke but it couldn’t be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible.
“Who’s there?” I yelled into the night. “Whoever it is, I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.”
I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level.
“Okay. I’m fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.”
“You’re breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.”
It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick.
“Okay, good one Steve. You wired up the dog with a little speaker. Very funny.”
My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank—it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged.
“Don’t think so. Nope it’s me, Parker,” the dog mumbled.
I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on.
“Parker? Are you talking to me?”
“Well I’m not talking to myself.”
I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned.
“This can’t be. I’ve got to stop watching Animal Planet.”
“Listen, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so …”
“You are talking!” I interrupted incredulously.
“Should you want I bow wow?”
“Holy cow! Parker you are talking.”
“Yup. But I’m not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before …”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don’t mind.”
I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I’m here to tell ya I don’t like what I’m hearing.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“Afraid not.”
Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own.
“Hey, can I ask you something before you get to your stuff?”
“Make it quick. I haven’t got all night.”
“You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right?”
“Four hundred.”
“Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.”
“Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks?”
“Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney’s or Ted Kennedy’s septic tank? And you know how much crap they’re filled with.”
“That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn’t like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It’s a broader pallet if you will. We don’t smell stink. We smell identity, mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street?”
“Yeah.”
“She has stomach cancer and her humans don’t have a clue.”
“You are kidding me?”
“She probably has less than six months if they don’t get her to a vet soon.” He paused to lick his right front paw. “Yeah, and another thing. Don’t take me out at nights for awhile.”
“Why?”
“Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That’s why.”
“You know this from the smell of possum poop?”
“Excrement.”
“Whatever.”
“Yup.” Parker yawned as if bored. “So is that it? Can I say what I need to say?”
“Well there is that thing you do with that licking your, you know, your …”
“Penis?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Jealous are we?”
“Well, it’s just that …”
“It’s all about keeping clean. Nothing pleasurable if that’s what you’re driving at. Nothing like what you do with your hand. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t pet me afterwards. Nope, no pleasure; it’s all business. You made sure of that when you had me “fixed”, remember. Thank you very much.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea you knew any different.”
“No idea my butt. I’ll ‘no idea’ ya.” He paused again to lick his right paw again and then continued. “But I don’t hold it against you. We don’t hold grudges. Heck, if we did, we would have mauled most humans dead by now. Which brings me to why I am talking to you.”
“No grudges. Really? I mean that “fixing” stuff is pretty serious. That’s pretty good if that doesn’t bother you.”
“You done? Can I get to my concern?”
“Sure. Sorry. Go ahead.”
“How can humans be so smart supposedly, while they single handedly are destroying the Earth?”
“You mean global warming?”
“It’s more than that. It’s the air. It’s the water. It’s the dirt. It’s the forests. It’s the killing. It’s the anger. It’s the hate. It’s the grudges. It’s the fear. It’s everything.”
“Oh come on. You’re being a little dramatic.”
“We don’t know dramatic.”
“Well give me examples of what you mean.”
“First of all, the air is filled with danger. Dogs, cats, birds, animals of all kinds can smell it. It is our biggest topic when we get together.”
“I don’t smell a thing.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem. And you can’t taste the troubled water either.”
“Scientists don’t seem to be complaining. So I should be listening to a dog?”
“We have no agenda. Dogs call it as they smell it.”
“ ‘call it as they smell it’; I’m suppose to just accept that?”
“Yeah, there is a lot you should just accept.”
“Oh yeah, like what else?”
“Well, and here is what I think is the crux of the problem, you keep choosing the wrong alpha humans.”
“What?”
“You’ve got this alpha thing all wrong. Just because animals order their packs based on physical size and strength doesn’t make it so for humans. We do it because we are simple. You do it because you are thoughtless. That’s what we, and I think it is fair to say I am speaking for all animals, don’t get. Humans are able to think things through. But they never do. Well, that’s not completely true; some have but they are mocked or marginalized.
An alpha dog barks and gets all puffy, like that wacky shepherd Sarge from around the block. The worst he can do is break out of his electronic fence and charge one of us. But you humans take it up a notch.”
“Can you give me a for instance?”
“God there are so many. Let me see. Okay, you’ve elected a president who pounds his chest and walks around like a gorilla with its arms all out to the side, all tough and all, carrying on with ‘bring it on’. When he jumps the fence, he brings tanks and bombs and humans loaded down in weapons and in body armor. Meanwhile, you have alpha males all over the place, flexing their muscle in their packs, threatening to obtain nuclear weapons, the great equalizer, giving the president one excuse after another to hop the fence. It’s nuts. And I for one am telling you, you’ve got it all wrong.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just start picking the right alpha humans; humans whose visions see beyond fighting, whose hearts hold no grudges, whose thoughts and reasons are not the products of testosterone, whose collective knowledge is rooted in the concept that true peace is never the consequence of war but the outcome of constant learning, negotiating and adjusting.”
“This is what you want to tell me? Nothin’ for nothin’ but it’s a little heavy for a little chat with a dog at 3:30 in the morning.”
“In a nut shell, yeah.”
It was hard to accept this from my beagle. I mean, he’s a dog; a sleeping, eating, sniffing, crapping dog. I was chalking this whole episode up to stress. I was apparently snapping.
“That’s it. I’m pretty much done. Just one last thing while I have the chance.”
“What? World hunger? String theory?” I asked sarcastically.
“You get the right alpha humans and the world hunger thing will take care of itself, smart ass. As far as string theory, who do you think I am, Hawking? I’m just a dog. No it’s more pedestrian than that, something I think you can manage.”
“Then what, already?” I asked impatiently.
“You know that thing you do occasionally where you empty the dish washer in the buff.”
“Ummm … yeah I guess.”
“Put some clothes on. It’s disturbing. I’m beggin’ ya, please!”
“All right, but only if you lick your privates in private.”
“I’ll see what I can do. No promises.”
“So this is it? No more talking? You know we could make a fortune on Letterman with his stupid pet tricks.”
“It’ll never happen. You see, this is a one time deal. Not sure why or how this is happening. Maybe that God guy is involved somehow. All I know is that when it is done, it is …” He abruptly stopped talking.
“Parker?”
Not a grunt. He yawned and as he did he stretched his front legs out and spread across the foot of the bed, his ears resting flat on the blanket.
“Parker … are you done? Is that it?”
He slowly closed his eyes and floated off to sleep.
“Parker … just like that?”
He began to twitch; in hot pursuit of a fox I imagined.
“Holy smokes. I must be dreaming myself.”
I curled back down under the safety of my covers, scratched my butt and thought about the conversation I had just had with Parker or myself or both. I sniffed the air. It smelled fine to me. What the heck was he talking about, ‘danger in the air’? It had to be a dream.
As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about getting a real job real soon, apparently this writing stuff was getting the best of me. I also made a point to remember to talk to the owners of that crazy cairn terrier. I thought it was the least I could do. One can’t be too dismissive of the unexplainable these days.
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Do you have candida?
Not many people know what candida exactly is and what they look like.
Candida or yeast infection is an infection caused by the overgrowth of a microorganism called Candida albicans. This particular fungus is normally found in the stomach as it aids in the digestive process. However, it can cause harmful side effects if it is found on other parts of the body such as the mouth, skin folds, the vagina and or the penis.
Diet is important in the treatment of the disease. The following diets can be of great help to completely get rid of the candida infection:
• A diabetic diet is advised as it contains less sugar. All the foods that are rich in sugar must be taken in small amount. Food such as cookies, cake, candies, sodas, and ice creams should be taken with precautions. Sweetened food that are made from artificial sugar called saccharine or aspartame or stevia extract need to be taken with moderation. Sugar intake can further worsen the infection as it can cause overgrowing of Candida albicans. Three days of sugar restriction may enhance the possibility of curing the disease.
• White starch food such as white pasta, bread, cakes and white rice must also be prohibited. You should take whole grains in moderation. If you are on a carbohydrate diet, you need to lessen the intake of the following foods to lessen the possibilities of growing more Candida albicans. Dairy products are harmless unless you are allergic to them.
• The increase of intake of essential oils can be a great help. Oils such as omega-3 oils, fish oils such as tuna, salmon, mackerel, sardine, and other oils such as flaxseed oils, borage, and primrose oils can be a good diet. You should at least take one tablespoon of these oils per day. Some oils that are found in some food such as salads, canola oil and olive oils can be useful as well. You should include avocado oils and nut oils as they are helpful in treating the disease as well.
• Do not just take any antibiotic without any prescription from a doctor. Antibiotics and cortisone-type prescriptions should not be taken as possible, as some of these drugs are harmful and can increase the growth of these microorganisms.
• Regular intake of yogurt about two to three servings a day can also help in curing the infection. Yogurt contains a special ingredient called acidophilus that is a powerful and proven ingredient for treating the infection.
These are the diets that a yeast infected patient should take. However, before taking these diets it is advisable that you should consult your physician first for a more thorough medical diagnosis and assistance.
Note: This article may be freely reproduced as long as the AUTHOR'S resource box at the bottom of this article is included and and all links must be Active/Linkable with no syntax changes.
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A typical day at the inbox
Today, I received 374 emails total.
A pretty light day considering some days I get more than 1,000.
To clarify what they were35 were for business, 4 were personal in nature, 11 were from groups I asked to get information from like Neiman Marcus and Urban Outfitters, VH1, and a PR Newsletter.
The balance of 324 was unsolicited (UCEunsolicited commercial email)in other words spam.
If I extrapolate the UCE I’ve gotten in the last six hours alone, I find I must be missing something about myself on some spiritual level..
I am a balding, fat man with a small penis that doesn’t work. I am in debt.
I am looking for a lower interest rate on my mortgage while at the same time making thousands of dollars with no effort on my part in the privacy of my own home—filling out surveys, stuffing envelopes and not selling something that miraculously sells itself.
Even better, I can be a travel agent without wrinkles; obtain a college degree while waiting for my 1500 advance to show up in my bank account; I can restore my credit rating legally while watching my free satellite TV and munching on my drugs sent courtesy of an offshore pharmacy that has a doctor who will write me a prescription… HMMM…definitely something to consider. NOT.
I’ve also discovered that I am a prime candidate to help an African Prince transfer funds into the US. He trusts me. All I have to do is give him my bank account information.
The problem is that I am a woman who doesn’t suffer those ills. Someone thinks I do…There is something wrong with this picture.
The future of bulk email and why it is likely to remain dead
Now, you might be asking why I, who was dubbed the “Spam Queen” in the “Wall Street Journal” three years ago, am even bothering to say anything about email?
Just to set the record straight, I have never advocated spam or sending spam.
One reporter said to me, "Some people consider all bulk email as spam. What do you have to say about that?" to which I replied, "Then I guess you'd call me the spam queen," as a joke.
In our sound byte media world, one editor turned this little quip into a buzzword and I became known almost instantly, all over the world, as representing what everyone, including myself, hates about email.
The media as usual emphasized sensationalism and missed the point.
I am not complaining because my marketing business skyrocketed as a result.
At that time I advocated email as a very effective medium for small business, which because of its low cost lets small businesses level the playing field against big corporations.
At no small personal risk, I visited the Federal Trade Commission in Washington, DC, and spoke my peace about small businesses and not throwing out the baby with the bathwater before even the very term spam could be legally agreed upon and defined to the satisfaction of marketers, ISPs and the government jointly.
Small businesses are the lifeblood of the US economy, and entrepreneurs with their dreams are what have made the US the economic powerhouse it still is today.
Email that is sent to people who WANT to receive it, and that is in accordance with their preferences, still gets a high response. It allows many small businesses to get ahead. I didn't want to see big corporations or the government take over email and bar entry, filter, and extort everyone else while still sending their own advertising messages freely.
And then came the CanSpam act, which I and many other legitimate marketers welcomed, because it had a great promise of getting rid of the noise while keeping the signal.
As it turned out, the opposite happened. Email filters from ISP's now block a large amount of legitimate messages, which they call "false positives".
Marketers can't send the text they would like to send to their subscribers, so they have to resort to filter tricking tactics such as spelling the word spam as sp@@@M so that they can get past the filters that were intended for another purpose entirely.
In a climate like this, legitimate companies that had been diligently following best practices, and keeping their lists clean for years, suddenly did not want to stay in business with ambiguities in the law and the potential litigation that might ensue even if all the rules WERE followed, so many companies just folded.
However the people that continue to send email illegally did not fold.
Often times sending from outside the US borders, they stepped up their operations even more, to the point that there is almost no truly legitimate bulk email left.
In other words, the signal has become lost in the noise.
The simplicity is this — bulk commercial email has gotten to the point where it isn’t effective. We just don’t do it anymore. What’s the point? It doesn’t get a response, and we found people are overloaded with advertising messages and no longer willing to receive more, especially in their inbox, unless they specifically asked for it.
As a marketing professional, the only thing that should count for you at the end of the day is effectiveness. Bulk commercial email has turned into the above, a bunch of unprofessional, ineffective scams.
In other words, Spam is a fourletter word.
Legitimate marketers are staying away in droves and it’s easy to see why. First of all let’s look at some facts. In the United States, it is legal to send unsolicited commercial email. The CAN SPAM act allows for this. You have to provide a way to optout and not hide who you are, and a few more simple but ethical rules.
Although it is legal, there isn’t an internet service provider in the United States who will allow you to send unsolicited commercial email.
Larger mailers have optin information from lists they purchase which imply consent but those lists aren’t originated from the mailer, but from other submailers—you get a free thing or access to a particular site and the user checks a box that it is okay to get information from their “affiliates and partners.”
The “affiliates and partners” they are referring to are those who pay for the email addresses and optin information.
These guys are sending you mail legally, but the fact is, they are not getting into your email box for the most part. Blocking, filtering, and doing it the “legal” way bulk wise, is just not working.
Not to mention, there is no way to prove that the recipients opted in or are willing to get the message since they opted in at someone else’s site, not yours.
The response rate is pathetic and when that mail does get through, you have many disgruntled individuals who never remember opting in, so in their view, the mail is unsolicited. The only way to get email into inboxes en masse is by not following the rules, so the only messages getting through are the scams, including the pornographic, illegal, and objectionable.
It is ironic that the very thing people want to rail against, they are getting more of in the aftermath of CanSpam.
So where does that leave us?
What can a small businessperson do to get their message out, and not break their bank?
How to market effectively in the new internet wave
If you are a small businessperson, there are 3 alternatives that you should consider, which are described in this next section:
What is effective you might ask? (Ask away, it’s kind of the point here..)
1) First party offers that impart some value added (a tip; some information, something the consumer is interested in.)
Lets say John Q. Consumer gave his email address for a newsletter, or for more information on a particular subject, or to play a game.
Chances are he probably would not be angered to get an email from your company especially since he asked for you to contact him. He would recognize your domain name since he spent enough time on your site to actually ask the info.
Additionally, your internet service provider would not shut you down for violations and you’d start to build a small but effective list of people who are actually interested in what you, as a business owner, have to say.
This has been effective since the beginning of the internet. The only problem is, how do you reach people the first time, to get them to your site?
How do you find a target market for your products that is likely to be interested in what you have to offer and sign up for your newsletter, visit your site, and hopefully buy your stuff?
Is there anything less costly than television, radio, and (ugh!) banner ads?
Yes there is. Drum roll please…..Search Engine Marketing. If you write good ads, and compete with the right keywords, people who are already searching for an answer to a question, doing research, comparison shopping will go to a search engine and type in their parameters.
If you know how to market well, only people who are interested will go to your site.
If you have a web site that is compelling and you are offering a value added, they will ask for more information or sign up for your newsletter, or get your free download.
Now, getting to this point can sometimes take a little time, but if you are persistent, and know how to interpret your statistics, you can do this. If you want the result without the learning curve, hire a Search Engine Marketing Firm.
So the new tools for small businesspeople to stampede traffic to their websites in 2005 and beyond are going to be:
1) Search Engine Marketing
2) Publicity, including press releases that provide meaningful news
3) Providing quality content and expert commentary for radio, TV, and internet hubs in your field
You can be successful on the internet and these tools help to establish you as an expert in your field, as well as attract the very people who are looking for your product or service at the same time.
These are the tools of a new form of marketing, which people are calling "In Touch" Marketing, or "intelligent marketing" and is one way to cut through and actually get you the most possible business, at the lowest possible cost, with laser precise targeting. In future articles I will teach you how to use them with deadly precision.
This is the new way for small businesses and entrepreneurs to succeed in 2005 and beyond.
Remember, you heard it here first :)
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Everyone seeks for satisfaction in personal relationships. Maintaining an emotional balance between relationships is important. Similarly, sexual contentment is also a key to a long lasting bonding. Erectile dysfunction can drive you away from experiencing the satisfaction that your desire. It is a much more serious problem than you actually realize.
Erectile dysfunction or impotence is defined as a man’s inability to either attain an erection or maintain it for a longer period of time. As a result it debars him from enjoying a sexual activity. This has become a very common problem and affects millions of men at the age of 40.
Men are normally hesitant in discussing the problem of erectile dysfunction with anyone. But with the launch of levitra drug, awareness and consultation from health professionals is high and with no embarrassment at all. Levitra is an oral prescription medication which is used to effectively cure erectile dysfunction. It works by blocking an enzyme called phosphodiesterase-5. It then relaxes the smooth muscles and helps increase the blood flow within the penis. This helps in attaining an erection in a natural way.
Levitra invigorates sexual endurance. It can help you to achieve a harder erection and sustain if for longer hours. The hardness of penis can help you to derive immense sexual pleasure. A pleasurable intercourse further facilitates you to achieve a passionate orgasm. What can be better than reaching an orgasm that rejuvenates and gratifies your sexual desire? Hence, with levitra, you can swim in the sea of love and can coddle your warmest moments.
A contented sexual intercourse can make the bond of love stronger between the couple. It can make your relationship last long.
Keep levitra away from direct sunlight. It must be stored in a cool dark place, out of the reach of children. Women should not try to consume this medicine as the reaction in such a case has not been studied yet.
Although levitra is safe to consume, consulting a physician can be a judicious step. Your doctor can decide well, whether levitra is suitable for you or not, after diagnosing you. One must carefully follow the instructions given by the doctor.
In order to buy levitra, you can log on to any of the available online pharmacies. Simply fill in an online consultation form and place your levitra order. The medicine will be shipped to you within a short span of time.
Get engrossed into the whirlpool of sex and derive maximum ecstasy.
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Male circumcision is the surgical removal of the foreskin around the head of the penis. While this may seem a taboo practice, there is a large proportion of the population who has had it done. In the US alone, over 60% of the population ends up having circumcisions at some point in their life. While this figure seems high, it was once at a peak of 85% in the 70’s.
So what is the foreskin for? Why do males have one? Well, it generally acts as a protection for wear and tear against the sensitive penis glans (head). It also protects the glans from any irritation for babies and it also contains erogenous tissue and lubrication which contributes to sexual arousal.
So with all these benefits, why is it people remove it? Well the main cause is due to medical reasons. In birth, babies are born with naturally tight foreskins and over the years of puberty it is meant to loosen out so by the age of 18, it can be fully retractable. In some cases, the foreskin can remain too tight to pull back. The medical term for this is Phimosis. While there are other surgical operations to cure this including stretching the foreskin and reshaping of the prepuce to make it wide, sometimes circumcision is the only effective method. If not, it can prove near impossible to wash the glans, resulting in an infection called Balantis. This normally can be identified by red tender areas on the glans and can cause irritation, tenderness, impotence and swelling. Other conditions are that it can become so tight that it makes it painful and sometimes impossible to urinate or have sex.
Yet there are actual benefits to have a circumcision. Men who have been circumcised tend to contract fewer urinary tract infections. It also offers some defense against sexual transmitted diseases as it’s easier to wash the bacteria away before it does any damage. While only very small, there is evidence that it can reduce the risk of penile cancer, which on its own is incredibly rare.
It is also possible to have the foreskin reconstructed. While it may seem a bit odd to have the foreskin removed, and then reconstructed, some males who may have had it either removed at birth, or for medical reasons, want it back. There are surgical and non-surgical methods for doing this.
The surgical method involves taking skin from either the penis or another part of your body, and grafting it onto the glans. Yet people rarely go for the surgical reconstruction, as it can prove to be painful and complications can occur. This is why people normally choose the non-surgical option. This involves stretching what is left of the foreskin with either weights or a traction device. This causes the foreskin to grow as its having to create new cells to fill in the gaps.
However, in both cases it is impossible to completely restore the foreskin. There are nerve endings and blood vessels that contribute to sexual feelings which can never fully be replaced, although partial replacement is doable.
